Directed by Abbas-Mustan, ‘Machine’ is a romantic thriller film featuring the debutant Mustafa (Abbas’s son) and Kiara Advani. A mysterious racer-guy Ransh (Mustafa Burmawalla) has his life in the top gear and knows no limits when it comes to speed. He falls in love with an utterly famous and gorgeous girl Sarah (Kiara Advani) at the very first sight. They both share the same interest of cars, and are college mates as well. Amidst many odds, they find solace in each other’s presence and eventually get married. But, the happily ever after phase never takes in their lives because of some series of revengeful incidents happening. Also, an additional friend of the couple marks a crucial part in the story as he gets Mustafa into a great trouble. The movie is absolutely drab and disgusting to watch. In fact, you’ll question your own conscience of visiting the theatres for such a boredom movie. The film is flooded with some utter cheesy dialogues like  “main tumhare hothon ki lipstick toh kharab karunga par tumhare ankhon ka kajal kabhi nahi” (and that too repeated thrice!). Go for the movie only if you are forced on a gun-point!

27 years, 17 films, launch of potential stars, Abbas-Mustan have done it all. From Shah Rukh Khan’s career-defining Baazigar to Akshay Kumar’s first commercial success Khiladi, the duo have always left their mark. Sleek editing, countless twists and glossy texture comprise the trademark Abbas-Mustan style that ruled the suspense-thriller genre in Bollywood for so many years. Yet they failed miserably when it came to the launch of Mustafa, Abbas’ son. Not only this, Machine might be the worst film of their filmography. Had they released it on April Fool’s Day, Machine would have been considered a perfect practical prank. It’s really tough to ignore amateurish CGI (Computer Generated Imagery) and mind-numbing, innuendoes -laden banters in a 148- minute film. That isn’t a perfect killing, so they reprise Tu cheez badi hai mast mast (Originally a part of Mohra, 1994). But the remix serves a purpose: It diverts your anger from poor actors to music composers. Kiara Advani, who looked confident in MS Dhoni biopic, is as clueless as anybody else in the film, but Mustafa takes the cake. It’s going to hit him hard. Abbas-Mustan disappoints like never before. Even machines will find it hard to enjoy Machine.

The Brothers Abbas Mustan are seasoned Bollywood warhorses. They created a successful brand of cinema in the 90s which was uniquely theirs: large sets, song-and-dance which remind you of MTV grind, good-looking men and women kitted out in sexy attire and no morals. In this latest one, expressly made to launch Mustafa, son of Abbas, they haven’t taken any chances. They’ve cherry-picked from amongst their own hits to cobble together Machine: the biggest chunks are recognizably from Baazigar, crossed with Soldier, and Race. Machine is the kind of film the director-duo would have got away in the 90s. Or maybe not. Even the squelchiest of plots need some acting chops and charisma: none of the young people, including the debutant Burmawla, is in possession of these crucial ingredients that makes a star. The mystery of why it’s called Machine is revealed only in the last few interminable minutes. I stayed to pay my dues. Abbas Mustan typified a certain kind of splashy, shiny Bollywood, which told its tales with zest. Who doesn’t remember ‘yeh kaali kaali aankhen’ with SRK and Kajol burning up the floor? This is the end of an era.

The mind boggles at the thought of movies like these, that actually get written (?), shot, publicized and manage to hit the theaters. Does no one with an ounce of objectivity intervene at any point? The lack of any kind of subtlety is the most astounding thing here. If a boy is in love, he will write love letters in blood; if a girl is upset, she will sit by the river and sob endlessly; everything is spelled out (in cringe-worthy dialogue) and then underlined and highlighted, should people miss the point. Songs show up as if they’re following a schedule and can’t miss the deadline. How is this coming from the same directors who pulled off taught thrillers until the early ‘00s? Like Baazigar, the Abbas-Mustan movie that sealed the deal for Shah Rukh Khan. They have revived the same plot as a launch vehicle for Mustafa, but have forgotten that little depends on the vehicle and a lot is determined by the man behind the wheel. And Mustafa, suspiciously surrounded by obviously less talented is just not that man. Kiara Advani is almost certainly binge-watching Deepika Padukone movies and picking up nuances of her dialogue delivery and expressions. There’s an eerie Padukone vibe about the way Advani walks, talks and looks. This machine has been put together without any manual and starts falling apart as soon as it is turned on.